Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
You Might Also Like
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
*frowns in Scottish*
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”