I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
But is it really??
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.