83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
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Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you