Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
You Might Also Like
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
and now we wait
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?