Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
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me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Hmmmmm
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Poetry is my passion
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft