I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
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I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Good advice.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.