When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”