M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
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Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
*ernest hemingway voice*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.