Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
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sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
😂😂