Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
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I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My dog learned how to text
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.