Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
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*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Grandmother clock.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”