*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
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you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I’m Sold!
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.