[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
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“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n