Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
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my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through