Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
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boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I know karate and tons of other words.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity