I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
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My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I have two kinds of followers
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.