How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
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My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
How about daylight saves us for once
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad