“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
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[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.