Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*