Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
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Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.