🤣dope
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Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
#SuperBowl
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you