Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
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I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.