If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
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You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.