You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
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I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.