Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
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Is this a threat?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’