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I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)