*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
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You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I falcon love using swear birds
consequences, the bane of my existence
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.