ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
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When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?