HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
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*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I have never related to anyone more.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!