If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
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My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.