I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
The symmetry is uncanny.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I am crying
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.