I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
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Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.