Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
oh you wanna fight?!
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?