If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.