i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
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Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I’m literally crying
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Finally, a door that understands me
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.