Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
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You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together