“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
You Might Also Like
This woman is my idol. Free her.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭