Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
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Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
The prophecy is fulfilled
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…