What a chick magnet..
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
set yourself free xox
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
If you love someone, let them tweet.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
based al yankovic
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.