“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
You Might Also Like
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right