IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
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[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I hate everything
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me