My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
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men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all