Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost