I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
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Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.