[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Meanwhile in Portland…
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.