had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
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I camp so other people don’t have to.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars