There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.