Fries, not lies.
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Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.