Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
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*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles