Moses: 馃幎gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free馃幎
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We鈥檙e literally being chased
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All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
suspect: i ain鈥檛 talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I鈥檓 trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he鈥檚 back.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
*Christmas with The Schr枚dingers
Dr. Erwin Schr枚dinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I鈥檝e never been married, but I tell people I鈥檓 divorced so they won鈥檛 think something is wrong with me.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I鈥檓 just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”